he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
