My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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