How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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