i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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