i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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