I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
