We're like a lot better than the average bears
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
