hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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