O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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