Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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