I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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