My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
