Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
