You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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