Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
