Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
