If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
