p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
