she was so not down for the gang bang
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
