Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
my liver is dry heaving
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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