my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
