Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
