apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Randomize
