I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
