I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
