Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
