Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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