She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
