dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
