I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
