I puked a lego.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
