I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
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I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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