i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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