Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
