Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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