8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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