Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
