Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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