Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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