were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
