I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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