Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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