I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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