what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
