thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
