what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
