Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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