i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
