her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
