We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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