I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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