Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
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He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
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... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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