You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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