Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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