Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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