My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
