well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
