You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
