I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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