omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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