i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
