I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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